Sunday, March 31, 2019

Sunday Stealing--Thought Provoking Questions, Part 2



1. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?  Anatomy and Physiology

2. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?  Not having a more meaningful relationship with my daughter.  Biggest regret of my entire life.

3. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?  Probably.  I hang on to stuff way past the time that it should just be over.

4. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?  NOT having dementia

5. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?  I don’t spend a lot of time calculating risk and rewards….I tend to go with my gut.

6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  In my head, I’m still 40.  My body? Not so much.

7. Would you break the law to save a loved one?  Yep

8. What makes you smile?  My fur babies, my husband’s goofy jokes and dances, a beautiful day, a job well done

9. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?  I’ve had a pretty interesting life, and done a lot of things.  So, no

10. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?   Love each other.  If you can’t do that, like each other. And if you can’t do THAT, tolerate each other. 

11. If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?  I have no clue.  For the most part, I’m happy with the way I lived my life up until 40.

12. What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human?  A need for connection to another being.

13. If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?  My choice has been on that list for years.  It’s still relevant, with the rise of all this authoritarianism.  Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury. 

14. Would you rather have less work or more work you actually enjoy doing?  Since I actually enjoy my job, and have great work/life balance, I’m perfectly happy with the status quo.

15. What is important enough to go to war over?  My heart says nothing, even though that’s incredibly unrealistic

16. Which is worse, failing or never trying?  Definitely never trying.

17. When was the last time you listened to the sound of your own breathing?  Last night.

18. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Spell potatoe.  And tomatoe.  That’s the way I learned it in 1960s Mississippi, for whatever reason.

19. What does ‘The American Dream’ mean to you?  That a good life can be yours with hard work. 

20. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?  Worried genius

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Sunday Stealing--Thought Provoking Questions, Part 1



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1. When was the last time you tried something new?  A few days ago.  We made our first visit to a local dog park.  Ginger (RIP), our previous pup, hated other dogs with a passion, so we never went.  Maddie, our newest family member, is super mellow, and has no issues with other dogs.  And she loves to run and play.  The dog park we went to has a “dog gym” and she had a blast. 



2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?  My Dad.   

3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?  “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” – my husband.  It’s a great mantra for both of us…suffering from perfectionism can be a real pain in the ass.

4. What gets you excited about life?  My family, a beautiful day, vacations, great food, my fur babies, getting paid well for a job I like.

5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?  Live within your means.  In the great crash of 2008 we lost our home to foreclosure and had to file for bankruptcy after hubs got laid off.  Way too much credit card debt.  Really hard lesson.  Living on a cash basis for the last 10 years taught me some restraint.  By no means am I perfect at it, but there’s definitely been an improvement.
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?  Up until a few years ago, I worked 2 jobs.  My regular job, and a 12 hour shift as a charge nurse every Sunday.  Now that I’m not, and we’re surviving just fine, I wish I hadn’t wasted all those Sundays working for money I thought I needed. 

7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?  OMG, I am the queen of clarification.  Meaning, I need details.  Generalities bug the hell out of me.  I’m rather literal, and have a need to be perfectly clear on what I’m being asked to do.  I’m also a knowledge junkie who reads everything I can get my hands on.  So no….I question everything.

8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?  Well that’s an odd question.  I love my husband.  And I tell him I love him several times a day. 

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9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?  The second amendment should be stricken from our constitution.  It was never meant to be perverted into the right to kill people.  Handguns?  Their only use is to kill PEOPLE.  Assault weapons?  Kill PEOPLE.  Large capacity magazines?  Kill LOTS of PEOPLE.  It sickens me that we don’t have gun control in this country, even after an entire classroom of little kids were killed, and so many other shootings.  Who are we as a country that we can just move on from that and not do anything about it?  And that’s enough Earth stuff for today, folks.

10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?  Be happy in my job.  I love the people I work with and the work that I’m doing doesn’t suck the life out of me.

11. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?  Weakness I suppose.  I end up holding it in too long and having a major meltdown ugly cry.  I know it’s stupid, but it is what it is.

12. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?  Go swimming.  Putting a bathing suit on this body freaks me out, I feel incredibly self conscious.

13. Do you celebrate the things you do have?  Yes.

14. What is the difference between living and existing?  Being present in your life, rather than numbing yourself out with whatever. 

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15. If not now, then when?  A few years from now, I’d really like to go to New Orleans for Christmas.  Our last “leave the state” vacation was in 2015.

16. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?  I sat at my Dad’s side as he passed away, holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him.  I’ll remember that for the rest of my days. 

17. What does your joy look like today?  It’s a gorgeous spring day in New Mexico, we’re going to get out in it!

18. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?   Hugging someone you can’t stand because everybody in the group is hugging.  I’d call that a lie.

19. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?  About half a nano-second.  My self-talk can be pretty shitty sometimes.  I’m working on it.

20. Which activities make you lose track of time?  Reading.  I just fall into the book.  All my life, I’ve done this.  The real world just falls away and I’m living in the story.  Hours can go by.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Beam Me Up, Scotty

I had a shit day today.  A physician was ugly to me this morning at work, and it just colored my day all day.  I didn't talk to my Dad every day, or every week even.  But his passing has left this big hole in my heart/life.  Why dickhead doctor triggered me, I have no clue.  Made me feel small, and my Dad always made me feel bulletproof, like him.  I guess?

I never saw my Mom cry in 56 years, all my life, until my Dad passed.  I talked to her today, and she was crying.  She looks for him every day, when she's on her way back from the store or whatever.  He's not there.  Today she told me she wished I was home, that a packet had come from the bank, and she could not deal, and wished I was there.

My heart is breaking. 

I wish I was home, each and every day, to be there for her.  Not 2000 miles away out here in New Mexico.  I don't want to live in South Carolina, New Mexico is the home of my heart.  But I wish I could fly my heart to South Carolina and help.  I told her I would get on a plane and help her deal with the bank stuff.

She is going to put it aside, and we'll talk in a couple of days.

Scotty, I really need that transporter right about now.  I want to beam myself home, wrap my Mom in a giant hug, and cry.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Stuff Has Changed...and Not

So, it's been a few weeks.  I lost my Dad and my beloved dog/child, Ginger, within the same week.  That sucked.  I feel blessed that I was at my Dad's side throughout his passing, and incredibly guilty that I was not here in New Mexico to be with my husband for Ginger's passing.  It was basically the worst week ever.

Being an RN by the bedside of a person dying and being at the side of a person you love dying are two very different things.  Massively different.  My RN self got in the way of my daughter self grieving, and I think, still is.  I feel like I "got over" the death of my father way too fast, but in the last couple of weeks, realize that I haven't got over anything, and the sad and painful parts keep creeping in at that weirdest times and making me cry and scaring me.

So there's that.

We got a new dog, Maddie, who I adore.  She's a sweetheart, and she brings me great comfort and joy.

But I miss Ginger, and am still so sad that her ending was so sudden and that I wasn't here to hold her, or my poor husband who had to have her put down without me being here.

FUCKKKKKK.

It's been a really shitty March, ya'll.  I'll be back when I've got more of my shit together.


Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Sad Days

It has not been the best week ever. My father passed away on Saturday. Thank God we were all here at his bedside. He was lucid and talking to me the day before, and it was pretty peaceful.  Hospice was great.

Sunday, hubs had to take my beloved dog Ginger to the emergency vet for bleeding from inside her ear. She had an extensive, inoperable tumor there and had to be put to sleep.

I'm numb at this point.

Home to New Mexico on Friday.